I was afraid.
I lay down on my bed, shaking as I never had before.
It was definitely a panic attack.
My body was shaking uncontrollably, and I knew that I was having a panic attack. I had only read about panic attacks. I always thought that they were only something that happened to young kids with no real problems in their lives. Yet, at that moment, I realized that anxiety can affect anyone, regardless of age or background.
I am a 32-year-old man, and I felt embarrassed about my anxiety attack. I tried to calm myself down, but it felt impossible. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I was convinced that I was going to die from a heart attack or some other awful fate. The fear was so intense that I retreated under my blanket, hoping that it would provide some measure of comfort. It was the most horrible thing I had ever experienced in my life.
It was a cold February morning. I woke up with a smile on my face knowing that my long-awaited vacation in Thailand was just around the corner. I had been dreaming about this trip for so long. The thought of finally experiencing the beauty of Thailand made me feel excited and alive.
I had even made plans to quit my job once I returned from my vacation. Or perhaps even stay in Thailand longer if I felt like it and send a notification about my leaving remotely. With a decent amount of savings and some ideas for what to do next, I felt confident that I could make the most of my time there.
As I packed my luggage, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of anticipation and wonder about what the next two weeks would bring. I double-checked my itinerary, making sure that everything was in order, and counted down the days until my flight on Monday — today was Thursday, so it’s just 3 days left. Everything felt ok. I really love that feeling. It makes you excited and confident about the future.
On Friday morning, I was abruptly awakened by a flurry of notifications and my phone ringing incessantly. As I checked my phone, I was shocked to learn that Russia had invaded Ukraine. The news was surreal and hard to believe.
Like many others, I had assumed that it was just a political display of power. It was knowing that there were military groups stationed along the border. Perhaps they were simply conducting routine training exercises. I had hoped that the worst-case scenario would only involve some minor gunfire followed by diplomatic meetings.
Now, I can’t even begin to imagine what will happen next.
I have never given much thought to my nationality and do not strongly identify with any particular country. However, I do have strong ties to Ukraine, as both of my parents are Ukrainian and I was born there.
Growing up, I spent much of my childhood in Crimea, a beautiful region with a rich history and beautiful nature. I remember the warm summer days spent at rocket beach catching crabs, the smell of juniper, and the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. I have fond memories of buying Kherson watermelons at train stops on visits to my grandparents. I can still picture the vibrant green color of the melons and the sweet, juicy taste. And crimson red sunsets in Sevastopol’s bay.
Despite not having lived in Ukraine for many years, I still feel a deep connection to the country and consider it my homeland
The vacation was abruptly canceled due to the ongoing atrocities that were happening. It was almost impossible to relax and unwind when there was so much chaos and destruction happening around the world. The thought of sunbathing on a beach seemed trivial in comparison.
In the days following the invasion, I found myself obsessively checking social media platforms. Scouring for news updates and images of the devastation that was unfolding. The images of dead people destroyed buildings, and many soldiers were always in my mind, making me very afraid of what was happening. The sheer scale of the destruction and loss of life was overwhelming. It was hard to comprehend the full extent of the situation.
As the days wore on, my anxiety levels began to reach new heights. I found myself unable to sleep, plagued by bad dreams and a constant sense of unease. It wasn’t long before I experienced my first panic attack, and unfortunately, it was just the beginning. In the following weeks, I was struck by two more anxiety attacks. Each one is more severe than the last, leaving me feeling completely overwhelmed and powerless.
“You’re such a little pussy, you weren’t even there—you were just lying down on your bed in safety in your fascist Moscow,” one could say. And they would be right. This made me think about what the people in the occupied territory were feeling. I imagined them being surrounded by tanks and constantly hearing the sound of gunfire. The thought of being bombed for no reason is terrifying.
As I tried to comprehend the situation, I couldn’t help but wonder how their daily lives were affected. Did they go about their day-to-day activities, trying to forget about the war happening in their backyard? Or did they live in constant fear, always on edge, wondering if they were next?
I may never know exactly how they felt, but the thought of their fear and pain still haunts me. It reminds me that war is not just about politics and power, but it affects real people with real lives. This is something I can never forget or forgive.
This war has brought about significant changes. It has affected the world, both Ukraine and russia, and has altered the lives of countless people, including myself and my family.
I could no longer stay in the country, as everything around me disgusted me. The following year, I left the country and spent time traveling and reflecting on my experiences.
Previously, I created games and other interactive content to bring joy and entertainment to people. Now, these efforts are futile and no longer worthwhile.
I have seen people fight to survive and protect their families. They face their fears and are willing to use weapons and even die to defend what they care about. I believe that only a few people I know could possess the same courage, and I am definitely not even one of them.
I always had a strong sense of conviction toward the things that I believed were right.
This caused a few times when I stuck to my opinion and didn’t make a deal, even if it meant losing friends or a chance at a romantic relationship.
As a result, I frequently found myself at odds with my parents, who could not understand my uncompromising stance. Despite the conflicts that arose from my beliefs, I remained steadfast in my convictions and saw them as an integral part of who I was and what I stood for.
Throughout my life, many people have told me that I live in an idealistic world and that the things I believe in are impossible. Despite these criticisms, I have always remained steadfast in my beliefs and have worked hard to make them a reality.
Even now, I find myself embroiled in a legal process with a company where I spent two years working almost 24/7. This is simply because I asked for things that were promised by the CEO, and which were laid down by law and contract. While most of the others just accepted the unfair offer with no thoughts. But that’s another story.
Last year I started to think that it might be an issue. That I must change my beliefs to fit others’ expectations. To at least have some profit in my life as others do.
Now, I clearly see what happens when you compromise your values and principles to justify your actions in an unideal world.
This war is a result of the actions of people who think, “Nothing will happen if I steal a little. Everyone steals, who doesn’t? Or lie. Or say something controversial for my million-person audience. I’m not doing anything wrong.” And that’s the problem.
On the other hand, I see people who stop tanks with their bare hands. People who sacrifice their health, loved ones, and even children, but still fight and help others. They’re not necessarily super-rich or influential people – they’re mostly ordinary men and women.
It wouldn’t be true to say that every Ukrainian soldier is a great person or a superhero. In the end, we are all just human. Following the 80/20 rule, only 20% will actually fight, and you may not even like 80% of them. However, it’s those who stand firm that truly matters.
I believe that in moments of history like this, it doesn’t really matter if you’re a nice person or not. We’re not in a Hollywood movie. Heroes don’t need to be like Superman; they’re more like Hancock, without super strength or the ability to fly.
What sets them apart is their principles and values. These are the foundation of their existence and will continue to be so. This is a true confirmation that values are, indeed, values. They are something that you must uphold no matter what, even if you have no support from others and they don’t provide immediate benefits.
But, as always, I could be mistaken. Thus, I need confirmation of this idea.
During my yearly travels, I stayed in one place as long as I can. I needed to know and understand average local people better. And luckily I found what I was looking for. The amount of hospitality (gamarjoba, 🇬🇪 Georgia!) and honest care (halo 🇮🇩 Indonesia!) was unbelievable for me. These people may not have a lot of money or formal education. But they are happier than those who don’t care about being kind and understanding toward others.
Looking at them made me rethink my values a lot.
For most of my life, I focused on doing something cool by myself. Partly, it was to prove to myself that I’m worth something. However, now I believe that while personal skill or mastery is still important, it is not enough to lead a fulfilling life. Providing value to others is the key to true happiness and making the world a better place.
This is the main reason why I started this blog. I realized that keeping all my ideas and thoughts to myself would be selfish and unproductive in the long run. It is better to share knowledge and ideas with others. If someone finds some thoughts useful, then it means I have made a difference in their lives.
In fact, I have decided to reorganize all my creative activities to focus mostly on providing something valuable to others. It may not be an easy or quick process, but I believe that it will be worth it in the end. I want to make a positive impact on the world. I believe that by sharing your skills and knowledge, you can contribute to making the world a slightly better place.
During this journey, I had an unexpected but pleasant experience that caused a significant change in me. I lost my fear. It may sound like a small thing, but it was a profound change for me. It taught me that having something you believe in and knowing that no one can take it away from you can make you more confident and calm. This newfound confidence and calmness helped me see the world in a different way and made me understand religious people better. I realized that having faith or belief in something can give you a sense of purpose and direction in life. It can provide the strength and courage to face challenges and overcome obstacles.
So, here’s a short conclusion.
Keeping your beliefs might be thought. Actually, it will be. But it’s the things that make you you. This is what moves us forward to a bright future.
It’s always easy to give up and choose an easy path. But the most impressive things are made by people who believed in something so deep that they will fight and die for it.
Many nations have transformed into democratic states with high standards of living due to individuals who stand up for what is right.
Scientists make incredible discoveries because they have faith in their abilities.
Athletes show the incredible potential of the human body because they believe in themselves.
Anyone who believes in their values and continues to fight for them will find a way to turn them into reality. These are the people who change the world. Those who don’t will end up living in a world created by others. Therefore, it is important to always strive towards creating the world that one envisions, no matter how difficult the journey may be.
Glory to Ukraine!